Mummy Guilt and Mummy Emotions
Not only does writing about this help 'empty' my head and help me focus, but if I can help just one other mum today feeling this way, so they know they are not alone, then that is why I do this.
When either of our children are poorly my husband or I tend to do a lot of bed swapping. We do this to stop us getting up 10 times in the night and we all get a better nights sleep. Our 2 have never been great sleepers and have always felt happier, comforted and calmer when they have company.
So those of you following my Instagram page, know my 5 year old son has Scarlet Fever! We only really found this out on Saturday but he has been poorly for about 5 days now. He's fine in himself about 80% of the time but his temperature rises in the evenings and gets emotional and feels sorry for himself.
So the last few nights I don't think my husband and I have slept in the same bed at all! Last night I slept in Lucas' room....... well until about 12.30am anyway. He woke up crying saying he was hot and itchy. He didn’t have a temperature but the rash was causing him to itch and be hot. I tried everything- cold water, a drink, medicine, cuddles ........ but he didn’t want anything from mummy, he only wanted daddy! After he woke up everyone in the house (and probably next door as well) daddy came in and within seconds Lucas had stopped crying and was practically going back to sleep! Well that was like a kick in the stomach.
I know I shouldn’t take it personally and I know he’s not well but it doesn’t stop it hurting. Not being the one to be able to comfort him in his time of need. Not being able to hug him to stop the tears. Not being the one he wanted. Its hurts. After more bed swapping and having a cry, I eventually went back to sleep.
Then this morning, to add salt to my newly opened wound, Megan was upset with me. She was upset I didn’t do her hair right, upset I couldn’t play with her while getting all the school stuff, upset that I was sending her to school and not Lucas. It was all so unfair to her. I gathered some strength, didn’t get cross and did something I had never tried with her before- I got her to write in her notebook why she was crying and upset this morning. She actually did it. I then asked her to write down things from the weekend that she was grateful for and things she was happy about. Again she did it. Afterwards I asked her if she felt better, she did say “no” but I do think it helped. We walked to school hand in hand and she went into her classroom with a wave and a smile.
Life with two children is not simple but we don’t have to make it harder on ourselves. We need to stop thinking we are doing a bad job, we need to stop beating ourselves up if things don’t go to plan and we need to stop feeling so damn guilty all the bloody time!! Our love is enough! Some days ‘OK’ is enough............................ AND THATS OK.
Be the good mum you know you are and see the gratitude in every day.